Monday, August 22, 2011

I love you through and through!

Last weekend our family ventured into the wild blue yonder that is Strawberry Reservoir to attend a family reunion with Dave's family. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family! However, I will admit sometimes family functions get me a little down. Probably not for any reasons one might think. It is hard to watch Lincoln's cousin's, many who are his same age, who have no trouble expressing what they want, need, or feel. Who don't have complete meltdowns when things may be too noisy or crowded. Who I can watch walk up and down stairs without sensing an impending tumble. Who can wrap their arms around your neck and tell you how much they love you. As I have pondered these reasons, sometimes asking why, I realize more and more how much need I have for growth and understanding. But more importantly, how much I have grown.

I'll be honest, thinking about those things did not make me feel better about the situation. Surprising I know. I tried to change my perspective by picturing these observations in a different light. Although Lincoln cannot speak, he does express what he wants, needs, and feels. His "language" is not always clear, but it is there. Bless his heart for being patient with me while I am continually humbled and try learning to speak his language.

And while Lincoln is so sensitive to crowds of people and noise, and though he may be slow and stumble as he scales stairs, he tries. He tries everyday to face and overcome his fear of noise and crowds. He tries and is so proud when after much difficulty he climbs a flight of stairs. Can I tell you how much I love when he reaches out for my hand when going down stairs? He knows I will keep him safe. He trusts me.

I feel I have cried an ocean over not being able to "hear" I love you mommy. And that dream is still something I hold to be priceless. However, even though I cannot hear it, I can see it and feel it. When Lincoln looks in my eyes and smiles, climbs on my lap, or simply holds my hand, I know he loves me and I am grateful for those moments.

So instead of asking why, I am determined to seek how and what. How can I better understand him? How can I make facing his fears easier for him to bear? And what can I do to ensure Lincoln never questions my love for him? I am so grateful to experience life one day at a time. I am able to learn from yesterday, try to be better today, and prepare and apply lessons learned tomorrow.

A book I have read to Lincoln since he was born reminds me of my love for him. It reads: "I love you through and through. I Love your top side, I love your bottom side. I love your inside and outside. I love your happy side and your sad side, your silly side and your mad side. I love your fingers and toes, your ears and nose. I love your hair and eyes, your giggles and cries. I love you running and walking, silent and talking. I love you through and through, yesterday, today, and tomorrow too."

Thank you Lincoln, for letting me love you!